a step down

when you meet me you already with someone else,
i feel second,
and i said,
"it's okay. i understand"

when i badly miss you,
i can't tell you,
you are not there, and i said
"it's okay, i understand"
i told the stars that i missed you.
did the stars told you that ?

when i need a shoulder to cry on,
i'm searching for you to rely,
but you are not there, and i said
"it's okay, i understand"
so i cried all night long,
alone.

when you make promises,
the world only fills with happiness,
i couldn't stop smiling,
i keep a big dream..

and another day,

when you just..
break those promises..
numb.
i couldn't think wise,
but, i said
"it's okay, i understand"

when you get too busy with your new life,
i sulked,
and you asked me to understand you,
i tell you..
"it's okay, i understand"

every time we fight,
i couldn't speak,
you win. always.
without thinking how i feel.
and i said "it's okay, i understand"
and we good again.

from far...
i see how much you smiled,
how much you in loved,
how happy you are,
i didn't realize..
tears accompany me
i said "it's okay, i'm happy for you"

when i'm mad,
you're dancing happily outside,
with the loved,
it obviously showed,
how it will be,
i smiled and say
"it's okay, i understand"

and i hope you'll understand why i choose to leave.

girl stuff

assalamualaikum. hello. hai.

it's been a while..a while ke ? long while kot. ok2. mmg lama dh la x berblog cerita dia kerana..kerana..penyakit sinonim. MALAS. whot to do * british accent pls* haha

ok relate to the entry. recently, me and my friend pegi jenjalan buang miang. saja nak buang masa dan release tension. release tension for me utk hari tu bkn sbb jalan2, tp sbb hang out with my friend yg lamaaaaaa gila x jumpa. which is selama 2 minggu sbb masing2 exam *gedik mcm x jumpa bf, but thats friend*

before that, nak buat survey..
perempuan kalo siap 3 hari. right ?
kalau nak pegi class, dok dpn almari 2 hari setengah cari baju, right ?
asyik cakap x de baju, walhal baju ada 3 almari, right ?

this prove why women nature is that way.

1. perempuan kalau shopping.
the situation is, the story starts bila ktorg jalan2..masuk kedai seluar jeans berjenama Lee. bkn nak cerita brand sekarang ni. nak cerita sesuatu yg common tp nak cter jgk. suka hati ah. ehek. tgh usha2 jeans terbaikk dalam kedai ternampak 1 brother ni tgh bercakap dr luar fitting room. aku dgn kwn aku dh mcm bluetooh on memasing. tunggu nak gelak je. sbb brother tu tgh bg detailed comment mcm fashion police. rupanya dia tgh bg comment kat gf dia. kenapa cnfirm as a gf ? sbb dia ckp mcm ni "u, bf i. so u kena ckp cantik ke x and give ur reason". dannggg ! perempuan mcm ni gua x pham. gua perempuan jgk, beli jeans jgk. ala2 fit, ngam, cantik. jalan. beli je lah. kau yg nak pkai, bkn bf kau. mslh gf mcm ni.

ada jgk perempuan yg kalau shopping semua kedai nak masuk. kalau ada 488 kedai, kaki dah tercabut pun nak msuk jgk. bkn beli pun, sibuk nak survey belinya idok. another type of girl yg aku x pham. kesian kot kpd bf engkorang, x bf pun kwn yg meneman tu. balik umah konfirm guling2 dog sbb penat. beli je lah mana yg sesuai tu. lpas tu x pyah pndng kedai lain dah. is it that hard ladies ?

2. 24/7 x cukup baju
ok, ni aku admit siap2. aku pun kdg2 hadapi mslh yg sama. rasa mcm x ckup baju je tp ada 3 almari kat umah *tipu, ada 1 je* almari nak meletop dh, tp still ckp x de baju. tp x de lah kronik penyakit aku tu. dlm seminggu tu adlh dlm 2, 3 kali je  termenung dpn almari. kalau class pkul 10 pkul 8.30 dh bngun. bngun2 je buka almari, tp kecewa. tak tahu nak pkai baju apa. belum fikir tudung matching ke x dgn baju. but thank god, sekarang concept color blocking mnyebabkan aku jd badut yg cantik..cantik ke ? jawab dalam hati ! tu yg mnyebabkan org ckp perempuan siap lama. kalau nak kluar malam, pagi sesudah bngun wajib bersiap. kalau x mungkin kna tunggu lg sehari suku tuk perempuan tu siap.

tp x seteruk kawan aku, mohon dia x baca, dan x ingat blog aku ni. ni kira kutuk di alam maya ni. ahaks. pkul 7 pagi call aku purposely nak tnya
"weh, kau buat apa ?"
main chess
"hmm..nak tnya ni, aku x tau nak pkai baju apa ari ni"
so ?
bg aku suggestion la..
tuut tuut tuuut...*ngantok sgt, dh terletak phone*

ni lagi parah kes kwn aku ni. sewel x pnah brubah sjak dr sekolah.

3. sumbat segala bnda dlm bag.
situasinya, kami sedang queue nak bayar barang. depan kami ada couple x taulah dh kawin belum. ceritanya. nak tunggu dia bayar dekat 45 minit. apakah yg lama sgt tu. dia cari purse dlm bag dia yg sgt besar. *please imagine that bag is really huge, pls* she's start take out one by one apa yg ada dlm bag dia, and guess what ? masa dia keluarkan barang2 dlm bag dia tu ada, bunch of keys, lpas tu scarf, small bag yg aku ingtkan purse dia tp rupanya bag make-up. tipah tertipu. lpas tu ada men's perfume, lastly dia kluar kan zirafah. kawan aku bisik kat aku "makcik ni boleh kna tngkap, sbb bwk binatang terpelihara".

belum lg makcik tu kluarkan segala smpah sarap lg..adoi makcik, ur bag still need to be sorted out. masa tu aku teringat ellen degeneres ckp "get yourself a wife and put everything in her bag" this what will really happen kalo sume sumbat dlm bag.

that will be some of the not-really-good side of women. sikit je yg x baik. yg baik nanti kita buat entry lain *kalau rajin*

tp normal segala not-really-good side tu kan. mna ada org perfect. walau mcm mana pun girls always have that beauty inside.

that's all for today. until next time.

dadidudidadi.
assalam
muaahhhh. love love love.

actually, it's routine

assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh :) gituuuu, panjang berjela aku bagi salam. jawab cepat ! jawab yang panjang punya version juga. haa.

okay. tau tau tau ! dah lama x update kan. alah, tak sempat laa..final exam lah, puasa lah, rayalah, cuti sem yg indah laa, pegi jalan2 lg. mana ada masa. *bab bg alasan nombor 1*

so hari ini kita update ye, senyum skit semua orang :))) haa, mcm tu laa. haha

right, straight to the point. entry hari ni bukan nak cerita routine yang aku buat hari2 kat umah sepanjang cuti sem tau. kalau aku cerita nanti engkorang mati kebosanan, so better don't. so kter cerita pasal routine orang bercinta. haa ! senyum2. tau lah tengah bercinta, suka dia bila sebut pasal bercinta. jangan menggeletis, sabar. the thing is, aku rasa aku banyak belajar dari surrounding aku pasal benda ni. especially kawan-kawan lah.

ada 1 kawan aku ni, masa diploma dulu. dia ni mak aiihh ! tak de mulut weh, aku rasa sepanjang 3 tahun aku diploma tu boleh kira berapa kali je aku dengar suara dia. mungkin dalam mulut dia ada emas. tapi ! tapi dia ada girlfriend ! aku x tau laa mcm mana dia berjaya mengurat gf dia tu, nampak tak ? hidden treasure seseorang. haa, oleh itu don't judge the book by it's cover. bosan gila peribahasa ni. hambar sangat. hmm.
aku nak cerita, kwn aku ni tak kan berrenggang dr fone dia. mengikut kata kwn2 lelaki aku yg serumah dgn dia, mandi pun bwk fone, tido pun peluk fone, fone dia kalo korang tgok siap seletep, ikat getah, sticker banyak, kau nak sticker mcm mna ? sume ada ats fone dia. aku x pham. dia akan msj 24/7  walaupun dalam class, dan gf dia 1 class ngn dia. ni nama dia mabuk cinta, sungguh aku x paham. dah gila ke hape tu. fone masuk dalam air, 2 minit lpas tu msj lg. gila ! tapi bila takdir menentukan, jodoh dorang 2 tahun je and masa our last sem dorang break. aku tengok kwn lelaki aku tu dah mcm zombie berjalan ats muka bumi. class pun tak pegi kekadang, makan pun ntah ke mana. tapi fone ! tetap ada di tangan. walaupun tak de yang msj. ni namanya "i'll stick with my phone in case no one texting me". meroyan tau kwn aku, kesian dia. kau sihat x weh skrg ? kau buat apa ah skrg ? *baru nak ingt kwn aku ni*

abis cerita pasal kwn diploma aku, apa kata kita cerita psal kwn degree plak. kena la adil, tak de la yg kecik hati nanti *sape je nak kecik hati tu*

kawan degree aku ni, dia dh couple about 3-4 years, x sure sbb bukan aku yg couple. the thing is recently dia break dengan bf dia. she looks fine, cuma sometimes dia rindu and dia kata "aku sayang dia lg sebenarnya, tp tinggalkan dia lebih baik utk aku" ni lah yg dia kata. aku angguk je. dorang punya style plak, they don't texting 24/7. tp dorang akan call hari 2, walaupun 5 minit bf dia tetap akan call. walau busy mcm mana pun.this is good aku rasa, you have 24 hours, and a moment from that is for your love one it should be enough. masa tu lah dorg nak cerita how was the day going on. and blah blah blah. and bila dorang break pun, mcm tak ada apa yg jadi. everything was so smooth, plus ktorang ada presentation, test and final. masa tulah aku rasa you need your love one to told story how stressed you are, to a little bit pampered yourself, not much. tp dorg elok je aku tgok, melepaskan cinta masing2 dengan tenang. walaupun kawan aku aku tu ada sikit meroyan kat facebook ngn twitter. aku maafkan kau krn meroyan di TL aku.

from both stories there is a different. yg sama mmg lah, dorg break, sedih bagai. yg lainnya aku rasa. kawan diploma aku meroyan sebab dia x dapat buat benda rutin yg dia buat selama 2 tahun. selama 2 tahun kau melekat ngn fone ttibe kau hilang rutin tu, mmg lah mcm zombie. plus dia tak boleh terima yg dia dah break. yeah, it's tough i know tp lepas pada tu ada pompuan tergedik2 ngn dia. ok je aku tengok, x zombie dah pun. ptft ! so basically, he's missing the routine not the person.

differ from degree friend of mine, dia ok je, walaupun dalam aku x tau betapa sengsaranya dia. is just that dia boleh terima kenyataan yg dia cipta sendiri. tp sakit yg ditanggung krn melepaskan orang kita sayang demi dia dan orang yg dia sayang itu sgt menyakitkan. trust me. don't do this at home ! dangewes. haha. memang nmpk org tu senyum, gelak2, gurau bgai. but it's really painful inside. tp kawan aku ni tetap nak future husband yg mcm ex bf dia. see ? dia nak yg mcm tu ! dia tgok fone selalu bkn sbb dia rindu nak texting or what, dia tengok gambar dorg dan miss those moment. yes, moment yg kau x boleh dan x akan sama bila kau dengan sesapa pun. so she miss him, not the routine.

it's different bila kau ingat dia, kau check fone. it's routine.
 dengan kau nampak lori trellar kau teringat dia it's moments.
 *sbb dulu masa dating, pernah dia bawak motor ada trellar nak langgar engkorang. moment what !"

bg yg meroyan ntah pape tu, korang kena fikir balik.engko meroyan sbb kau rindu dia ke kau rindu nak buat rutin yg slalu kau buat ? engko pikir betul2 ! pikir ! aku tampo kang meroyan mcm org hilang pancreas.

ok dah laa. aku demam okay dikala update ni. pening gila kepala bapak kau nya. dah laa, nak tidur tak nak bangun sampai baik demam.

love bertimbun2 sapa yg baca blog cabuk aku ni !
muaahhhh888 kali :)

kbai, assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh *jwb version panjang jgk, tak kira !*

answer it

salam 17 Ramadhan alls :)

try to answer those question. try your best.


how if this is your last Ramadhan ?

who owns you ?

who your hearts belong to ?

how did your life being this wonderful ?

why your heart in pain, happy, and sober ?

did you ever think, did yourself fulfil the syariah ?

you try to change what HE gave to you, why ?

how grateful you are towards your life ?

did you say 'Alhamdulillah' today ?

how did you start your day ?

did you ever think, one night in barzakh ?

you study for what ?

you're in love for what ?

where did the food you eat comes from ?

did you ever cry in front of HIM because of your sins ?

how much you recite the Quran ?

how much in a day your tongue wet with zikrullah ?

how many sunnah Prophet Muhammad s.a.w did you practice ?

how many second you think, 'what if i dead ?'

did you do a thing and said 'i did this for YOU ya rabb'?

did you think about Allah ?

how much investment did you invest for your akhirah ?

how much this world grab you, instead of the eternal world ?

how much did you give, instead of receiving all the nikmat from HIM ?

there could be thousands of  questions more, but those question enough make me stunned. make me feel nothing but a slave. none of things that you say yours is yours.

hidayah need to earned, not to wait.

think.

salam.

feel ? rasa ?

selamat berpuasa everyone ! it's about a week kita berpuasa di bulan romadhon al-mubarak, beribadah lah hendaknya kepada semua. gituu.*x pernah aku berkata2 begini*

pasal aku punya entry hari ini. rasa ? aku tengok perkataan "rasa" tu pun dah terbayangkan tengah me"rasa" makanan yang enak-enak. punyalah tak kuat iman, perkataan tu pun boleh potong markah puasa gua tau. bukan nak cerita pasal rasa pakai lidah. cukup masin, manis bagai. bukan ! sebenarnya cerita dia bermula dengan kawan aku.

pada suatu petang nan indah, angin bertiup sepoi-sepoi bahasa melayu *rosak peribahasa* biasalah, aku ngn kawan-kawan aku melepak di gazebo bawah kolej kami. kami syok sembang, mengutuk sikit mana yang patut, gelak ketawa bagai. situasi dia lebih kurang macam ni lah :

kawan 1 : ni kalau dapat ABC lebih jagung petang-petang ni terbaik jgk doe
kawan 2 : kau jangan buat pasal ! nak ajak kluar la tu. tapi..aku on je. wahahaha *setan sangat gelaknya tu*
aku : janganlah korang, kita x study abis lg kan *ttibe2 aku berlagak suci*
kawan 2 : punah rancangan jahat aku bila dengar study.

dalam masa yang sama kawan 1 aku tengah on call. dan dia kembali.

aku : lpas isyak malam kang aku serbu umah korang tau. siapkan meggi tau.
kawan 2 : banyyyaa...
kawan 1 : aku dah break ngn Dollah *bukan nama sebenar*

dengan muka tenang tak de perasaan dia cakap macam tu. dalam hati aku wallahua'lam la kan. our conversation petang tu bertukar mood sebentar, kawan 2 dan aku cuba untuk cheer the mood and it goes really well. bab2 nak menghuru hara kan keadaan memang serah kat aku dengan kawan 2. ktorg pro. haha

so as time goes by, aku tengok dan observe kawan aku yang break tu. elok je, tak de plak meroyan tunggang terbalik ke hape. kak jemah pun musykil. sebabnya, dia dah in relationship ngn bf dia about 3 years, and they are planning to get married after my friend grad from degree. but unfortunately, they broke up !. aku ngn kawan 2 aku tu penat memikir. adakah dia ok ? adakah dia akan meletop suatu ketika nanti ? before dia meletop, it's better if she spill everything out. and that what's friend worth for. right ? right ? *cepat kan right !* hehe

so, at one night masa ktorg tgh tgok muvie baik punya. tp dalam kepala otak aku ni, curious. there must be something ! aku pun dengan secara tiba-tibanya tanpa persediaan bertanya. penyibuk tau kau ni. tp demi kawan kan. eheh.

aku : weh, kau ok ke ?
kawan 1 : aku ke ?
kawan 2 : yela kau je yg baru break skrg ni.
kawan 1 : aku ok je.

......krik..krik...

kawan 1 : aku memang dah lama nak break, tp aku selalu fikir aku nak kawin ngn dia and hv future with him. *air mata bergenang* but ! aku dah jadi x kisah bila aku sorang je yg pk nak elok kan relationship ktorg. aku dah malas, aku dah penat, aku tak kisah dah. *senyum, airmata hilang. x tau sedut pegi mana*

lpas daripada tu, dia sendiri yg akan cerita if something yg ex-bf dia buat. mcm call dia pepagi buta ke. text dia ke and what not. dan dia bercerita dgn emotionless. bagus kawan ! itu menunjukkan dia ok :)

so, apa yang menimbulkan prasangka aku adalah, banyakkan yg bermain fikiran aku ni. aku pun kekadang tak paham dgn diri sendiri. ahaks ! the thing is, mana pergi rasa selama 3 tahun tu ? x kan hilang mcm tu je.

bila dipikirkan balik, give up on someone is after you give them your everything. selama mana pun kau berusaha, tapi kau tahu usaha tu x pernah cukup tuk orang yg kau sayang tu. masa tu, kau kena berhenti dari berusaha utk dia, tp berusahalah utk diri sendiri.

apa yang aku nampak dan rasa, bukan senang rasa sayang tu nak hilang. hati dah penat, lama2 jadi tak ada rasa. it take years to vanish it, but it's not possible. and once it's gone, it's possible to have it back.

orang boleh cakap. 'aku tak kisah dah' tp every second check fone whether that person text you. itu 'kisah' nama dia.

orang boleh cakap. 'biarlah dia nak buat ape' tp everytime online stalk  berjam2 lpas tu frust. itu 'tak biarlah' nama dia.

kau akan 'aku tak kisah' bila dia text kau, kau baca dan sambung tengok CSI. bila CSI lebih memberahikan dari text dia.

kau akan 'biarlah dia nak buat ape' bila kau ternampak dia retweet love love dgn gf dia. dan teruskan tweet mcm biasa. bila tweet runningman nak dtg m'sia lg memberahikan dari tweet dia.

and, at that time ! you should be proud of yourself and smile : D
i do proud of myself : D

selamat berbuka puasa everyone !

lost

assalamualaikum. hello. hye. hola.
oh yess ! tau tau tau..gila bapak lamanya kan x update. alryte, memang lama sangat lah kan. sedar, saja je malas tak tau nak bebel ape. aku pun tak tahu atas dasar ape aku update ini malam. aku pun tak tahu semangat apa yang buat jari aku menari riang di atas keyboard. yang aku tau, malam ni aku tak ada arah tujuan nak bebel ape. do not expect for anything. feeling hopeless lately. so am i tonight.

aku tak ada apa nak cakap pun, everythings around me doesn't change at all. same. cuaca kot berubah, jerebu. sangat ! pergi class pkai mask, kau ada ? satu hari dah rasa macam doktor je haa. 'ok, lepas ni doktor ada next surgery di dewan bedah 3 ye' kata nurse kepada daku. haha. nampak tak ? permainan dia. dulu kecik-kecik main doktor-doktor kejap je, sambung lah sekarang ni. beranagan memang aku lah !

habislah cerita jerebu. i'm about to face my finals in a short while. tapi aku belum study, tapi aku nak high score. boleh macam tu ? boleh kena lempang free of charge kalau perangai macam ini sebenarnya. yela, nanti  aku study laa. walaupun hanya 2 paper, but those 2 is killing me the most. in sha Allah, i'll do my best.

bosan ah cerita ni, dah laa tak nak cerita dah laa. nak tidur. k bai.

nothing

it's ain't easy

it's ain't cool for me

but this is it.

over 4 years

i learn to live

with you

today

i learn to live

half alive

over the time

you'll be the reason

on everything for me

until the day

i realize

i'm not the one

put aside

those hurt

i said "i love you"

i said "i love you"

i mean that, but

hurt, again and again

one day, i wake up

without your love

that i used to feel

empty

that's the moment

when i know

that love is gone

it's me 

who said goodbye

i'm okay

i'm good

i'll be fine

be good 

take care

i do love you.